Monday, May 05, 2008

It Isn't All Roses

Parenting a toddler is a hard job. Parenting a toddler whose personality was shaped by people and circumstances beyond your (or her) control is even harder. Mostly, we share the wonderful progress that Elizabeth is making and the joys of our new family. This past week on one of my yahoo groups, a mother is in China right now and struggling. Basically she said that she wasn't prepared for any of the negative stuff just all of the feel good stuff that is shared. My heart went out to her. She is on my mind and tonight Elizabeth comes home from school with Daddy and like many other days, she has her usual melt-down. Usually we attribute it to being tired and hungry. Tonight was different. I can't say it was the first time but whenever it happens, it really rattles me to my motherhood core. She was beyond consoling. Touching her made her scream harder, talking to her made her scream harder. The thrashing was scary. Sam decided to take her to her crib. Not as punishment but that is usually where, when all else fails he can pat her back until she calms down. That didn't work. When I went up, she just pulled herself as far away as she could in her crib, knowing that I couldn't reach her. It broke my heart in ways I didn't know it could hurt. I have no idea why she is upset and no idea how to help her. When we brought her home, I never wanted her to cry alone in her crib but on nights like tonight, that is all she wants. It makes me so sad for her. My dear husband, not meaning to add salt to my wounds said "She is never like this with me, it is just when you are around". I know it just seemed like he was reporting the facts but to me,it was gut wrenching. Does something happen in her little mind at times and I remind her of her loss of everything she knew. Do I work to much? Does that make her feel abandoned again at times? Does she feel the need to distance herself from me in case I am about to abandon her just like has been done to her in the past. I don't know what it is. I wish she could comprehend how very much I love her. This video is reminder to me that no matter how bad some days are, a bad day here is better than a good day where she was. Elizabeth, my pumpkin, if I could make every fear go away and replace it with trust that Mommy and Baba will always do their best by you I would. We love you like Crazy Cakes!
PS. You might want to turn the music off at the bottom of the page.

1 comment:

The Straight's said...

Thanks for being honest and posting some of the "hard" stuff. I believe more people should inform others of all the realness adoption is about. I feel for you as I too have been there on many occassions hurting for my little one and wanting to provide comfort. She knows her mommy loves her and that will see her through the tough times.